Tuesday 29 October 2013

Being bullied

Bullying appears to be the topic of the day.  In light of more recent suicides attributed to bullying, it is an important topic to be addressed appropriately in many forums.  The issue I have is that, the definition of bullying itself is being misused as a blanket explanation for any conflict that occurs.  If a student pushes another student on the playground, he or she is being bullied, if a child calls another child a name or makes a face it is bullying.  If teasing occurs it is called bullying. 

Conflict is a part of life, we are not always going to agree with our colleagues, teammates, family or friends.  People are going to get angry at one another.  At some point in time, it is inevitable that someone is going to do or say something that is going to hurt us.  What is important is what we do with that and how we learn from it. 

We need to give our children and our students the skills to be able to say, "I don't like it when you...", "Please stop..."  "It makes me feel bad when..."  We need to be able to help our students problem solve, understand one another, appreciate others' feelings and learn their mistakes.  Otherwise, things won't change.

Bullying, real bullying, is a big deal.  By definition, bullying is an intentional, habitual, repeated pattern of behaviour intended to be hurtful or demeaning or to exercise power over an individual. By painting every conflict with the same brush; by labeling every disagreement, fight and eye roll with the same term "bullying" we are minimizing the real issue and not focusing on what really needs to be addressed in schools, mental health agencies, law enforcement and government in regards to bullying.

Last night, the top news story involved a high school student who wore a full painted face of gothic style make-up to school.  The principal asked her not to wear that make-up at school anymore.  The news story called this "bullying" by the principal.  The story said that the parent and student had filed complaints with both that school division and the Ministry of Education.  Further, they were petitioning the legislature to do something about this bullying; the mother was quoted as saying, "this bullying has got to stop."

I find it ironic that in the last week there have been 2 stories of young girls who have taken their own lives as a result of relentless, ongoing demeaning postings on social media by peers and yet the "bullying" the media is calling for addressing in their top news story is a principal enforcing what he believes to be the school dress code.  Am I saying she shouldn't be allowed to wear her make-up? That is not my decision to make.  Would it be okay with a potential employer for her to wear that make up as a server in a restaurant, a teller in a bank, a cashier in a store?  Likely not.  Is a school dress code an issue worth discussing and clearly defining at a school or division level?  Certainly.  Is enforcing the dress code bullying?  I do not think so. Where do we draw the line?  What is the real issue?  What is the true definition of bullying?  And once we know and understand what bullying really is, what are we going to do to prevent it and to address it?